Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Herniated guts, and Victor's Secret

Hey everyone! Dad said he'd write yesterday, but I knew he wouldn't, so I'll take the honors in giving an update. He can clarify anything I over-exaggerate or extrapolate.
True Story: Dad's guts are spilling out. They're coming out through a weak spot in his wall, and I do not know if this is from his initial surgical spot or not. Alls I know is he's fortunate to have a strong integumentary system keeping his innards off the floor.
Dad saw Baltzy yesterday, and went in not asking, but telling him that he wants a 4 week wash out before the next scans to prep for laparoscopic hernia repair. You have to get all the meds that are keeping your mets from growing out of your system or you'll never heal from surgery.
You know, I've worked for three years to get Mom and Dad to take an authoritative stance on his healthcare, and I think I would've been a proud parent(in a flipped dysfunctional parent-child relationship moment) seeing Dad tell Baltzy how it was gonna be. Alas, Baltzy told him differently.
This is all second hand, so I'll paint the picture the way I perceived I heard it...
Baltz said, in a nutshell, 'like hell you will.' he told Dad that he had been handed a miracle, and that he would not be messing that up. He would take the miracle, and not go screwing it up for some stupid hernia.
I do appreciate some passion. If you're going to think one way about something, at least do it with some umph. So, I probably don't say it enough, Thank You Dr. Brad Baltz. You have reminded us again to be neither complacent nor unappreciative of our fortune.
There will be no hernia repair. Therefore, Dad the Engineer has set his sights on support attire. Now, there are manly support garments on the market, BUT, since we didn't engineer them ourselves, they're all wrong. The seams are on the inside, the straps are uncomfortable. I reminded Dad that BBW's (that's Big Beautiful Women for you not up on salacious alterno-fetish websites) have been hoisting, securing, and squeezing their big guts in for centuries, and that he and Mom aught pay a visit to the Dillard's Foundations department for some inspiration.
"They have those things at Victoria's Secret?" he said.... "Not in your size, honey"... I had to tell him.
Dad's already started on his Victor's Secret Man Foundation Prototype. Like ManSpanx, but more serious. I think there should be a mustache and monocle on the label.
Dad will meet his 6th grandchild this week when Sisterbaby finally bursts. On July 4th, 2009, my sweet teary eyed baby sister desperately said "Oh my God, he won't meet my babies..."

Oh yes, oh yes he will. Thank you, Dr. Brad Baltz. Thank you.

For the rest of your day, think of Dad in frilly support lingerie. Dad, I'm sorry. Everyone else, YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

;) EAB
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